Doing Vs. Being

I want to open this by saying I am writing this week's article because I need to read it back to myself... and because my officemates asked me to share their message....

It doesn't always have to be about the doing. Sometimes it should just be about the be-ing.

This is how a lot of my conversations with my friends, most of whom are also working moms,  have gone lately:

"Hi! How are you?"

The answer has almost always been one word, said with emphasis, eyebrows up, head nodding slowly

"Busy."   (head nodding now turns to head shaking...you can add a smack of the lips for dramatic effect....)

Enough said, I guess. It seems we feel defined by our busyness, and busyness is the pervasive quality that describes our work, our weekends, and, I fear, our lives in our homes as well.

We link the value of something to the accomplishment, the completion, the meeting of  the goal...however, life in our houses is never done.  There are always dishes to be washed, laundry to be done,  floors to be swept,  and papers to be sorted. Always. And when you are all done with that (ha ha) there are a few windows that are rotting, a gutter that is clogged, and a roof that needs to be replaced. With this mindset we will never be able to sit down, but will rather just fall over in exhaustion.

So, are you waiting for your check list to be done, your hamper to be empty, or your Better Homes and Gardens photo shoot to be scheduled so you can really sit and savor your home? Please don't.

If you are unsure of how to start, just follow the lead of your dog or cat, if you happen to share your home with one....

Be relaxed. Be curious....

You know, just BE.

The reason we own our homes, other than the fact we need to be warm and dry, of course, is to hopefully derive some pleasure and enjoyment out of them.

So, how do we get to the place where we can just be?  How can we be sure we are taking time aside from our busyness to be still and enjoy?  I believe it comes from the acceptance of  imperfection-- imperfection that will be there whether or not we rail against it, whether or not we acknowledge it, whether or not we work our fingers to the bone, whether or not we ever sit still. Being able to sit down, sit still,  and just be comes from a place of comfort with the idea that everything cannot be accomplished, experienced, cleaned, organized, nor mastered, and that does not diminish who I am or the beauty of where I live.

Alright, I have to close now because I have SO much to do this afternoon. (just kidding, just kidding...)

A House Divided

When I was five years old, I was awakened early one morning and summoned to the first (and last) family meeting my parents ever had.  I stumbled down the stairs in my nightgown,  groggy and confused--I had had a fitful night's sleep, sensing that something was coming undone, something was changing in the house where I lived.  I was told that a decision had been made, and life was about to change in a very big way.... Divorce is a painful, sometimes ugly, always disorienting life event for all those involved. Some relationships are severed, others altered, belongings separated, addresses changed. Now as adult, I can offer that little girl understanding, support and the knowledge that things that are broken can heal...and end up better than they were in the first place.

However, the transition (please excuse my language) can be a bitch.

If you find yourself in the midst of just such a transition, you deserve to have a place where you feel at home, a place that is restful, a place that helps you picture and create the life you want going forward--and that place should be wherever you are living right now. This can be especially hard to envision if you aren't the one who wanted the change in the first place and your home now has one less inhabitant whose absence is deeply felt, or if you find yourself evicted from a home you never thought you would ever leave. Much like a caterpillar needs the safety of his or her cocoon to transform into a colorful, graceful butterfly, you are going to need a protected, comfortable place for yourself while in this vulnerable state, so that you too can unfold beautifully and prepare yourself to fly. Here are some ideas to help move you forward in a positive way and create just such a space:

1. Create A Vision of What You Want Things To Look Like –How can you arrive at a destination when you don't know where it is?  It is important to create a vision of where you want to end up--picture what you want your life to look like going forward now that this change has happened. This is a process that I call "drawing your map," and doing things such as collecting pictures that inspire you and writing down two or three words that capture the feelings that you want to create in a space are key steps to take. This "map" is going to be a very important tool in creating a nurturing, supportive home that supports and facilitates your vision for you and those you love.

2. Be Patient With Yourself– You aren’t yourself.  Things are going to be confusing, decisions hard to arrive at. The place you are living is in a state of flux. Progress with things may be slow at times, but any progress is good. Give yourself a loving dose of care and understanding daily and keep moving forward.

3. Life Transitions Always Create Clutter–Whenever we go through a change in our lives, there are things that we don't need or want anymore, and things that will simply be in our way. Whether you are anxiously looking forward to wiping the slate clean, or you dread having to sort through boxes and closets, this  STUFF has memories and emotions attached to it that can stick to us, just like the dust that settles on our clothes as we are cleaning out, and make us feel weighed down. These heavy emotions can make us want to avoid dealing with the clutter all together, but it is a very worthwhile undertaking that will make you feel lighter when you are done. Refer to tips #1 & #2 to first see if items fit your vision for your new life (if not, drop it like a bad habit), and then to remind yourself to be patient & kind to you during this process--this is hard work.

4. Revisit Special Places from Your Past:  In Winifred Gallagher’s book House Thinking, she writes of research connecting the recognition of meaningful places in a person’s past, and the ability to then create a “just-right home” that provides a “deep, gut-level feeling of identification and comfort.”  What could be a better description of what is needed right now?? So, what are the rooms, homes and gardens of your past–environments in which you felt truly yourself, truly alive? These are spaces that Gallagher refers to as your “best places.” Take some time to reflect, and you may find some clues to help you create a very meaningful, special, and comfortable place in which to live and thrive today and in the future.

A house divided cannot stand, which is why  I encourage you to create your own whole, complete, and nurturing home that stands on its own. This shelter contains the foundation for your new life within its walls.

Beautiful butterfly photo via

Adding On Vs. Adding More (Yes, Your House Is Probably Big Enough)

Do you lay awake at night dreaming of the large addition you want to put on the back of your house? Maybe you picture how grand and easy life will be, with sunshine streaming through new large windows, washing over the miles of new counter space in the renovated kitchen, acres of new closet space, and cavernous rooms that are large and impressive for family gatherings and holiday parties.....

However, there is the flip side to that  fantasy--there are the inherent costs such a space would, ahem, add on --since any new space starts, of course, with the building of foundation, walls, and roof...and tens of thousands of dollars. And there is the additional cost of heating, cooling, and maintaining added space  for years to come.  In my experience, there are a lot of reasons NOT to add on, the most prevalent one being that it is, in most cases, simply not needed.  If you feel that your house is lackluster and in need of more space, I challenge you to first make the most of the house you have so you can honestly say that more space is what is needed.  A lot of times we have rooms in our houses that are seldom used, and other rooms that are completely underwhelming in function & design. Without examining our feelings any further, we respond to our discomfort and dissatisfaction by thinking we need more space.  Creativity, good design, and the principles of living simply can make a "small" house live very large....SO, before  you pay a builder a hefty deposit, we should examine how you currently live in your house and make sure that each space works as hard as it can for you and makes you swoon with its abundance of charm, beauty, and functionality.

Read the following statements and see if they are accurate truths about you and your house currently:

• I (or someone in my family) uses each room in our house at least once a week.
• I feel proud of the rooms I have and feel good when I spend time in them.
• The rooms in my house relate well to one another, and there is a sense of flow throughout.
• I think my house is beautiful and reflects who I am and how I would like to live my life.
• Accomplishing tasks in my house is easy, since the spaces are well organized and well designed.

If you feel that all of the above statements are true of your house, and you are still ready to build on, then I would say it is the right choice. However, if you can't say they apply to your situation, then I urge you to rethink things. It is easy to believe the lie that bigger is always better. Much like fine dining can be a wonderful, memorable experience compared to a button-popping, forgettable all-you-can-eat buffet, having a smaller amount of house that delights you with its attention to detail and fine materials can be so much more satisfying that a lot of house that bores you and costs you a lot of cash. Invest the money you were considering using for the addition to thoughtfully and intentionally improve your existing house, and you will have something of beauty, value and quality when you are finished.

Feeling cramped and uncomfortable in our current house often has little to do with the amount of space that is there, but rather how well the space is designed and appointed. Remember, you can only be in one room at a time--make the rooms you are in beautiful and satisfying to you, and your life will be the better for it.

Bloom Where You are Planted?

About eleven years ago, I was wandering through the big box home store and stumbled upon some puny, sad little trees on sale. I stood there and wondered. Hmmm.....would those look nice? Not much to look at now....but maybe..... With an infant and toddler in tow, I somehow hauled a couple of them up to the register, stuffed them into the minivan, and even managed to plant them before they died. Amazing.

Much like the house they were planted next to, they were humble things with humble beginnings, but I hoped that, despite their lack of pedigree, they would find a way to be the wonderful trees I thought they could be...someday.

This morning those crabapple trees weren't thinking "well, I had better hold back. I'm nothin' special afterall...."

Nope. Those pathetic twigs in plastic pots have become glorious trees that are proud to be in full bloom, perfuming the breeze and intoxicating each bumblebee that flies by.

So, how about you? Are you proudly blooming where you are planted? Maybe your home isn't where you always dreamed of living, maybe it isn't  the style of house or the neighborhood of your dreams....but you can bloom there anyway.

When you arrive home each day, I hope you feel a sense of deep satisfaction and pride in where you live. I hope you feel that your home is beautiful and shows the world in some way who you are.

I hope you can put your feet up there, and feel that it is a place that helps you to become more of who you want to be. Have faith that with time, creativity, and proper nurturing the simplest of dwellings can become simply beautiful-plastic pots, twigs and all.

Buying in Bulk

So, do you belong to Costco? Do you frequent Sam's Club? Do you delight in having a year's supply of toilet paper and canned beans at arm's length at all times?

Shopping at these stores can be fun~ we feel we are saving money AND preparing for Armageddon all at the same time. How efficient! But because I spend a lot of time helping people manage the items in their homes, I would like to invite you to think about buying in bulk in a different way...

At this time there are two things of which I would like to remind you:

First, despite what the media may tell you, you are NOT a "consumer," but a human being. Hopefully you know you are so much more than your ability to consume and accumulate...

Second, as you shop for your needs week in & week out, keep in mind your goal is not to run a storage facility, but to create a home.

via

If you are wooed by the thought of saving some coin, and made giddy by the thought of all that abundance right on hand at home, let's think about the real costs involved in investing in palettes of paper towels and tons of toothpaste:

• Carrying inventory (which is what you are doing, just like a store or factory) requires time...time to make sure it is stored properly, that it is used in a timely way, and that it gets used at all...it is easy to forget what is on those shelves way down there in the dark basement.
• Carrying inventory requires space-- space that could be used for other productive things, or enjoyed with other activities. How many of us feel our houses need more space? Create some elbow room by not having so much of it occupied by things you aren't currently using.
• Carrying inventory has a built-in percentage of waste--we are busy people with lots of things on our minds. There will always be a portion of things that we are storing that we simply forget about. We will buy duplicates. The product will get dusty, spoil, pass its expiration date or just become undesirable as it waits on the shelf. It will end up in the trash unused.
• Carrying inventory ties up cash in things that aren't currently being used, which maybe can make sense if we are investing in something like real estate or gold, but we are talking about things like shampoo and soda. Enjoy your money now, or put it in the bank so that it is there for a rainy day. Don't tie it up in things that are readily available at the corner store that you won't need for months, or maybe never at all.

Allow the stores to provide a wonderful service to you: let them store your stuff until you need it! You are right to think that your house is much like a factory or machine that needs supplies to run efficiently. However, from Benjamin Franklin, to Henry Ford, to current day Toyota manufacturing  processes, it has been proven that efficiency does not include managing inventory, but rather what is called "just in time" or "lean" practices. We can employ these same ideas, and have less waste and more time to do the things we really enjoy.

The product our little cottage factories (our homes) should produce in abundance is comfort and peace, providing an environment that supports how we want to live. Don't manage inventory, enjoy living!